Not a Player, No Longer a Predator

And the shoes have been chosen.

2012-01-20T15:51:00.001-05:00

So I didn't think too hard about the designer label for my wedding shoes.

I figure most brides would choose Christian, Jimmy or Manolo... All whom I love... but I know just a titch more about fashion than most brides.

I didn't want super unique, something blue... or really anything I'd only wear once.

I wanted a pair of shoes that will go with my sari, my Sue Wong dress (see post below) and my lehenga.

Louis Vuitton has an amazing pair of sandals called the Saint Honore in Damier Canvas. They're super cute with the damier dice... and with a whopping price of $995, you better believe I'd wear them and vacuum store them for a lifetime.

Unfortunately, they didn't have a pair available in my size. And in order to get it, I would have to buy it first and then decide if I want to keep them.

So I said forget it and went with a designer I have grown to love, not only for his talent, but also for his orange skin.

And for $300 less, I got these cutie pie shoes that will go with anything and everything and be in fashion for life!

Thank you Valentino!

Struggling

2012-01-10T08:03:00.001-05:00

I'm gonna take a break from talking about wedding/bachelorett/marriage stuff to talk about the every day of my life... work.

I'm into my third year after graduating medical school, second year of radiology residency, and I'm really having a hard time.

I mean I'm getting it. Like I can make findings, point out the fractures, appendicitis, blood clots and what not. But I still feel so inadequate.

And I'm struggling with stuff I know!

Yesterday I took my in-service exam. It's the annual exam that we all have to take to "check our learning progress." I know this exam doesn't count for anything, but I still try to take it seriously.

Then what happens? I make the same mistakes I made last year. I narrow it down to two answers, and choose the wrong one. Or I pick the right answer, then doubt myself and change it.

I know I could know more, and I don't want to be a complainer, but I am just so tired. I am so jealous of my coworkers who didn't know the answer either but chose the right one.

I hate feeling judged based on this stuff. I hate feeling panicked because I worry other people think I'm not smart. I hate the constant reminder, (which yes I realize is me and not anyone else) that I'm never going to be good enough.

I'm 30, and I still feel like I'm not an adult.

A wedding outfit per request

2012-01-06T20:08:00.002-05:00

I only have one of my dresses in my possession available for viewing.

Three other possibilities are currently in the works. (One might be done, but I just haven't felt like going to pick it up...)

Here is what I will wear to the dinner at Ruths Chris after the ceremony... and possibly the Indian reception.

Sue Wong platinum beaded and jeweled ostrich feather trim dress.

Happy New Year!

2012-01-01T11:43:00.000-05:00

At least that is my hopes for everyone.

2011 and well the last few years have been quite the struggle, and I hope life will get better.

It has a little bit, and who am I to complain really.

I have a job, a coveted job, that I need to appreciate more.

I have a great guy who will become my husband in 2.5 months! It's crazy to think that exactly one year ago we could have broken up and I wouldn't have thought twice about it. With therapy and hard work, we are right for each other.

I have my health, though I worry its declining a bit. I've got a plan in place though which includes better nutrition, a personal trainer and a therapist.

I believe in actively trying to better oneself and creating resolutions all year long, so I don't really have any resolutions.

I just have my checklist in place to add goals and check other off.

I am hoping 2012 brings more goodness and success, not just for me, but for everyone!

Comedy and Frank

2011-12-22T23:31:00.000-05:00

Alright... so some things are finally coming together... ish.

Venues are booked.

The Indian party will be somewhere in Worcester. My father has booked a comedian... yup. I've come to the decision to stay out of it. It's too much stress to care, and I just don't have the energy.

The American party will be at a castle. I think it will be a nice venue. It looks beautiful, though I think I'm the only person in my family who hasn't seen it in person. But everyone tells me they love it.

I am pretty much planning the American party, and I think I should have started sooner because when I think of something or someone I want... unavailable.

Though, I did find a guy who has great reviews as a Sinatra singer.

I'm thinking of booking him. He is available.

And I do love Frank.

Church or No church?

2011-11-05T16:43:00.000-05:00

Decisions have mostly been finalized.

TINY wedding ceremony March 17th, 2012. St. Patty's day.

Indian wedding reception second weekend in June at some place in Worcester, MA. (I have no intention of getting involved with that planning).

American wedding reception in June at Hammond Castle in Gloucester, MA.

So far, I've only done the planning for the wedding ceremony and it hasn't been that easy. Ideally, I'd like to gather the family in a private room at Ruths Chris and do a quick I do I do, then eat steak!

Ruths Chris has a minimum bill requirement which I think may be CRAZY high.
The pastor I wanted is unavailable.

The church I regularly attend will do the ceremony at Ruths Chris, but strongly suggests I just do it at the church and then walk around the corner to Ruths Chris with a reservation for a table for 15 instead.

It might be cheaper. Once we get a decent count of who can come, I'll make the decision.

As far as the wedding sari, the indian tailor in Cambridge has not called me back.

I'm annoyed.

Commenting Issues

2011-09-25T20:37:00.001-05:00

Has anyone else had problems leaving comments on other peoples blogs?

I'm not sure the exact reason, but when i downloaded google chrome the problem went away.

Parental Pre-wedding Drama; part 3

2011-09-19T21:33:00.000-05:00

So my mother needs to have a reception for all of her coworkers, and she wants to have it at the Harvard Club. I asked why not a restaurant since her coworkers are only approximately 20 people, including their spouses.

She then clarified that she will be inviting closer to 80 people. So... practically half of the radiology department.

My parents continued to talk about their plans/ideas as if I wasn't there, when I nearly shat a brick and asked if they thought about NotMexican's family or friends.

That shut em up... because THEY HAD NOT.

My mother then quickly chimed in, "well that's why we should have the wedding followed by a reception in Colorado. They can go to that... and we'll invite everyone there too."

I had to remind my parents that I specifically did not want a wedding ceremony. Part of the reason I became a radiologist is so I could sit down all day... this includes NOT standing at an alter longer than 5 minutes.

I also asked if they thought about the exhaustion of a 5 hour flight each way across 2 times zones for one event.

There was more argument against the Colorado reception which I can't remember, but they finally agreed it wasn't a good idea.

Notmexican's family and friends and MY friends (also not factored into the planning) are invited to my mother's "American" reception.

A summary of the 2.5 hour dinner. My parents went from questioning the marriage to planning 3 major events. After much argument, headache, stress and heartache... the wedding is a go.

St. Patty's courthouse/Justice of the Peace, Indian reception likely in May and the American reception likely in June.

God help me.

Parental Pre-wedding Drama; part 2

2011-09-02T21:32:00.001-05:00

So after it was decided that NotMexican and I will definitely be getting married next year, the conversation went from 0 to 1000mph in less than 1 second to discuss the reception... actually receptions... pleural.

My father already picked the venue for the Indian reception. He already has the guest invite list. He would like to have Indian dancers, a Belly dancer, a Dj, AND... wait for it... a magician.

I nearly cut a bitch.

I yelled in the middle of the restaurant "ARE YOU RETARDED? Nobody has a magician at a wedding! This is a WEDDING, not a kid's birthday party or a carnival!"

My mom jumped in and firmly squashed the magician.

Though then my mother took over the conversation, saying that she'll need to have a separate reception... because my mother has a whole separate plan.

Parental Pre-wedding Drama, Part 1

2011-08-23T21:31:00.006-05:00

So tonight was a difficult evening.

My mom told me about a month ago that my dad wanted to go to dinner to talk to me without NotMexican. I assumed this was about a pre-nuptial agreement, but my mom kept saying she didn't know why... for a month she didn't know why.

I chose not to dwell on this and went into the dinner assuming we would be talking pre-nup.

So the first drama of the dinner:
Dad's reason for wanting to talk. Ready?

"I see only 2 reasons for you to get married next year.
1. You both are going to be living in the same city shortly after the wedding.
2. You're gonna have a kid shortly after the wedding.
Otherwise, why not wait until 2015?"

I don't know how you read the above, but I interpreted it as they don't like my future husband. Did I jump the gun with assumptions? Absolutely!
Am I wrong? I still am not sure.

After a strong back and forth lasting an excruciating 45 minutes, I finally got my father to agree that whether I get married tomorrow or in 20 years, it doesn't matter whether NotMexican and I are in the same city or have any children.

Many married couples live apart for a LONG time. I gave the TRUE example of one of the Thoracic fellows at my hospital who married his wife the last year of medical school and had to spend the next 6 YEARS(including this year) of their marriage apart because they couldn't get their residencies or fellowships to match in the same city. They tried! Just like NotMexican got his great job in Michigan because he was TRYING to find a job in Boston.

Many couples also never have kids. Either they choose not to such as DINKS (dual income, no kids) OR they try and try and use medical technology/advancements and CAN'T.

After my amazing arguments, I pried, picked and jabbed with an ice pick to try and break my dad on why he would bring this up. He didn't break. So either these reasons truly were the focus of his questioning my marriage to NotMexican, or he's really good at hiding his true thoughts.

So I told you this took about 45 minutes... well the dinner lasted about another 1.5 hours.

Stayed tuned for how the conversation went from no wedding to possibly THREE wedding events in 2012...

Not quite a destination if you ask me

2011-08-17T17:09:00.004-05:00

I gave NotMexican the task of planning our destination wedding, and by that I mean that I told him to pick the location. After all my plans falling through or getting pooped on, I decided enough is enough.

Since I decided we're going to the courthouse on St. Patty's Day, he needs to decide where we're doing our destination.

He comes back with Mackinaw Island in Michigan and Vancouver Island in BC, Canada.

His argument that these qualify for great destination weddings is that they're both islands.

MY argumentS (pleural, surprise) against them:
1. Not exactly locals that are FAR ENOUGH away for my parent's friends.
2. Not quite paradise.
3. Though I could wear my gucci sandals, I'm not gonna.

Reason #4 and beyond, I'm sure you can imagine...

Your thoughts, or cries of sympathetic agony are welcome.

An Irish-inspired wedding

2011-06-29T18:27:00.001-05:00

Let me explain.

I love to drink.

Don't panic. I did an internship at the Betty Ford Center while I was in medical school. I have no intention of returning as a patient.

But seriously, I LOVE to drink. I love to go out for drinks. I love wine on my roofdeck. I love drinks with the girls. I love after-work drinks. I love a daily glass of wine after a hard day's work.

I love love love it.

10 Years ago when I went to Ireland, I stayed with my friend's Irish family. They watched me drink and asked often "are you sure you're not Irish?"

I started believing I was... or that I should have been

To this day, TEN years later... the family asks me when I'm coming back.

I plan to next March.

I told NotMexican that all the up-in-the-air plans, costs, failed plans, interference with studying, etc was just too much. He agreed.

I told him that I know he wants his friends, I want my friends, My parents want their friends, I don't want my parents friends... it just won't be perfect and I accept that. He agreed.

The only thing that matters to me is the marriage, and we've been working hard on ourselves and each other as individuals. (Therapy last week was amazing).

So decision time:

Date of marriage will be March 17th, 2012. St. Patrick's Day, either at a courthouse or justice of peace or whatever. Immediately followed by dinner at Ruth's Chris' then getting on a plane to Ireland!

Wedding party for my parents friends. Who cares... not my interest.

Wedding party for our friends... likely August of next year. Country to be determined.

Wedding Plans Update... for now

2011-05-25T20:12:00.000-05:00

In all honesty, it's likely to change... again.

A few months ago I came up with 4 weddings plans in 15 minutes.

1. Platinum Wedding: California Pinot Noir wine country small ceremony, Casino-themed party at the Taj Hotel Boston for my friends. Separate reception for my parents friends. Estimated cost: well over $100,000.

2. Vegas: I love vegas. I love nightlife. I love to drink.
Estimated cost varies from $1500 to $15000 depending where, when and extras.

3. Practical: courthouse, dinner with the family only at Ruth's Chris. Email announcement to friends.
Estimated cost: $1000

4. Elope: $50 at a drive-thru wedding. Email announcement.

After being engaged for 9 months without any set plans, and multiple failed attempts at making plans... I've made a decision.

NotMexican can plan the wedding.

I'll plan the many outfits I've already started purchasing. Yup... I've already got 3 white dresses, my mom is on her way to India to buy a wedding sari and I plan to buy many more since WHITE is a major color this season!

It's not my wedding, but I'm freakin pissed!

2011-04-27T18:27:00.000-05:00

So my sister is having her wedding in Italy. Oooh, aaahh, yes it sounds great, but...

When she started planning the wedding, she and her fiance decided that they would pay for the wedding so that they could have the wedding they wanted.

They explicitly told my parents, 20 from our side.

Guess what just happened... my dad invited 200 people. Then sends an email, saying there must have been a misunderstanding because he thought our side could have 50 people.

My sister... called her financial advisor to try and pay for the extra people.

Anyone else feeling pissed right about now? I am...

I am furious and it's not even my wedding, but I'll tell you why I'm furious... because they're gonna pull this same crap with me and expect me to blow it off like no big deal.

Listen, I get that a wedding is supposed to be a celebration, but how is a celebration if I'm not getting the wedding I want?

I don't understand why my sister isn't standing up stronger for herself. It's bullsh!t.

Death of an Aquaintance

2011-04-18T12:35:00.001-05:00

I haven't had much experience with the death of someone for whom I cared (other than my patient's of course). I'm talking about family and friends, though.

Overnight, I received a text from my good friend in my old apartment building in Denver. She told me that the building was evacuated because of hazardous material that someone used to kill himself.

It turns out the person who killed himself was a really cool guy who always said hi to me at the gym or when I was studying in the building computer room. He was friendly with everyone.

Apparently, though, he had demons.

I don't know all the details. I don't want to believe the negativity surrounding his death. I'm sure it's probably true to some extent, but I'm gonna remember him as that great guy in my building.

May he rest in peace... but yeah I am slightly freaked out by the event.

Work Projects

2011-04-13T09:10:00.000-05:00

I don't know how many of you have group projects at work, but my residency class (10 of us) have been assigned to make a video for the end of the year dinner. We were told about this video in July 2010.

Flashback to middle school and high school where we made videos with our friends. Except this time, nobody is interested in doing it.

Having seen prior videos that the other classes have done, I know how big of a deal this is for all the attending physicians. They love to be in the video and they love to be made fun of. They're expecting a funny, good show.

Knowing this, I kept a notepad of ideas that people came up with throughout the year.

Flash forward to January (6 months later) when I send out a mass email to my fellow residents telling them to start thinking about writing scripts and what they'd like to do. In this email, I included a list of all the ideas I had written down over the year as people came up with them.

No one replied.

Flash forward to the end of February (another 2 months later) when the new chief residents are announced and they have a brief sit-down meeting with us to tell us it would be a good idea to get started since filming and EDITING take a very long time.

So I ask everyone to stay a few minutes longer after the meeting to start discussing script-writing. I suggest everyone pick one of the ideas or come up with their own and write a script.

One of my co-residents states that she doesn't have time because she is planning her wedding.

Hmm... so am I.

So I write a skit, then one of my other co-residents writes a skit (yes! 1 person on board)... everyone likes both scripts and thinks they're enough.

Uh... did I mention this video is expected to be 30 minutes... you know, the average time of the average television show written, produced and directed in hollywood?

So then I lay low for a while and work on a couple more skits and ideas and start filming MY skits. This gets people a little interested.

Then lay low again.

Finally 2 weeks ago, a third resident jumps on board and writes a few scripts.

So now 3 out of the 10 of us start filming.

Flash forward to now. We have less than 1 month before the dinner. People finally panic.

My skits are all filmed. They do need work editing, though.

Will it get done? Abso-freakin-lutely.

Will it be good? prolly not

Will I care? DEFINITELY not

Anyone else hate group projects? Raise your hand.

Wedding Venues

2011-03-26T10:38:00.000-05:00

The average cost of a wedding in the United States is about $30,000.

The cost to rent the grand ballroom at the Taj Hotel in Boston is $30,000.

But I reeeeaallly want it!

My parents are out of town and get back in tonight... I wonder if I can convince them.

Wedding Colors

2011-03-12T12:23:00.000-05:00

The decision was too easy.

I can't believe I didn't think of it sooner.

These colors are so me... just look at my blog background.

RED WINE and WHITE WINE

(burgundy and champagne come close enough :) haha)

*Artwork picture borrowed from Leanne Laine Fine Art facebook photos.

GoodBye Ginger :(

2011-03-04T16:31:00.000-05:00

NotMexican can't take Ginger (his beautiful Golden Retriever) to Detroit. He'll be traveling all the time and poor thing would be neglected.

So I called around and made a strong effort to find dog-friendly housing in Boston. This is the most difficult task ever, but I discussed with NotMexican about training Ginger to be a Therapy Dog.

She could volunteer at the hospital, and pretty much all housing complexes would wave the no-dog rule. We were figuring it out and everything was going in the right direction...

Until we learned how much it would cost to get her trained, AND how much work I would have to do with her daily and by myself in Boston.

With residency call hours picking up, the marked increase in rent, the cost to get her to that level, the cost of us to continue long distance flights... it was proving to be too much.

So with sadness, NotMexican decided (well is still sorta deciding, but knows what is best) to give her back to the Golden Retriever rescue in Colorado. It's so tough to give her up, but I'm hopeful she will get adopted by another loving person or family.

Goodbye Ginger :(

Further Improvement and more work to do.

2011-02-23T10:14:00.000-05:00

NotMexican came for the Presidents Day long weekend. He was originally supposed to go back on Sunday, but since he no longer has his job... he stayed longer.

Don't freak out. This is great news.

NotMexican threw his resumes out there for a corporate position at one of the major American car companies, and they took a bite.

The phone interview turned into an in-person interview, which turned into a job offer!

When NotMexican gave his notice to his current boss... he was told to go immediately for being ungrateful.

So not true people... this boss was malignant.

And now I'm learning, this boss was also a major player in NotMexican's mood, attitude and overall negative aura.

Because this weekend together was awesome! He was happier, less stressed and we only had one little tiff that was quickly resolved.

NotMexican will be moving out of Denver and to Michigan for his new position. It's not Boston, but it's closer and in an east coast time zone.

We're gettin there!

First weekend together since...

2011-02-12T13:37:00.000-05:00

...the Big Bad (i'm stealing that from Buffy the Vampire Slayer, season 7)

NotMexican came to visit last weekend, and we had a great time. We both realized that we have a lot of stress in our lives that we are taking out on each other.

So last weekend we made a strong effort to leave our stress where they belong (at work) and enjoy our limited time together.

For Xmas, I bought golf lessons in Boston for us to do together, so we took advantage of that activity. It was so much fun, and the instructor praised me big time... then reprimanded NotMexican for having bad habits.

hehe... little things, people... i need them.

Aside from him complaining about all the walking I make him do in Boston, we had a great weekend. NotMexican met my best friends from med school and all of my co-workers and their significant others.

Everyone liked him... and frankly, I love him.

Here's hoping that this positivity continues!

NotMexican has an interview for his dream job on Monday. If he gets it, I know we'll be well on our way!

Therapeutic Homework

2011-01-23T15:48:00.000-05:00

In the aftermath of our terrible weekend, both NotMexican and I had an emotionally drained week apart.

NotMexican went to see his therapist and he came out of it with a homework assignment for the both of us.

We had to take 1st Corinthians, Chapter 13, verses 4-7 and replace the word Love with our name and each other's name... and then discuss.

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

It was an awesome exercise and great discussion. The best part is that we took it seriously and didn't take offense when talking about how one person felt about the other.

And that's why I know NotMexican and I will work.

We have incredibly mature adult conversation without getting defensive.

The question is... can our wonderful phone and email conversations happen IN PERSON?

That is our challenge and homework assignment from now onwards.

Engaged too Soon

2011-01-17T11:56:00.000-05:00

I've been struggling quite a bit lately with my relationship with NotMexican. While I thought we were back on track, I think we're just more at a standstill.

When apart, I miss him so much. We talk on the phone and tell each other we love and miss each other... then when we see each other, it's mediocre.

Our trip to Breckinridge last month was great because we actually spent quality time together. New Years was good, but maybe because he was still in pain from breaking his ribs in Breckinridge.

This time... I am writing from his computer in colorado... I am just not at all enthused.

I got off the plane Friday night, exhausted, but so excited to see him. I read an article about happiness and the wonders of a smile, so I was smiling and ready to hug him and kiss him.

He drove into arrival, and got out of the car and when he rounded the corner after opening the trunk... he looked angry.

My smile faded before he had a chance to see it. Immediately I thought, "oh crap, did I go to the wrong pick-up side again?"

That question was quickly answered, when annoyed, he asked "what side are you on?"

I apologized profusely, but bummed and then shut down.

I went straight to bed with hopes that the next day would be better. It started out well, but he had to go to work. I didn't get any studying in because I was dwelling on the night before. He came home and we watched an excellent but depressing show called Intervention.

We were supposed to go to dinner with one of his friends who cancelled. I just could not feel better.

We went to dinner and I just blew up at him. I am sick and tired of looking forward to an awesome weekend with MY FUTURE HUSBAND and having it be crappy.

We made up, but I'm still unhappy. I cannot wait to get back to Boston.

I think this may be the beginning of the end...

Tell me about a stressful situation and how you handled it

2011-01-11T18:49:00.000-05:00

Don't you hate these type of interview questions? Twisting something negative into a positive?

Well since I'm probably going to be asked this question when I transition from residency/fellowship to a real job, I've got the PERFECT ANSWER.

"well sir/mama... on more than one occasion there have been snow storms and winter weather alerts in the city of Boston. Since I happen to live across the street from the hospital, increased patient care and resident responsibilities are often bestowed upon me.

I handled these challenges and stressors with vigilence (LIE) and happiness (LIE). I saw the positive opportunities in leadership and peer-dependency (LIE). I also knew I could never abandon patients in times of needs (TRUTH).

I took the hippocratic oath and honor my vows to the death! (DRAMATIC PAUSE... maybe even draw a sword)

Thank you"

Good Riddance 2010

2011-01-08T12:30:00.000-05:00

Wonderful things happened in 2010. I got engaged. My sister got engaged. My cousin got married.

Terrible things happened in 2010. My baby cousin was the victim of Shaken Baby syndrome at daycare and is now permanently brain damaged. NotMexican and I struggled bigtime with our engagement and almost ended on several occasions... then he broke his ribs and punctured his lung while snowboarding.

There is plenty more, but I'll leave it at that.

I'm not the type to come up with new years resolutions. When I want something to change, I get started on it immediately.

And that is what I did towards the end of the year.

NotMexican and I went to see a therapist, together and now individually. Our relationship is back on track and hopefully on to bigger and better things.

I vowed to focus on work, which means I canceled Netflix and evaluated my study material and schedule.

Hopefully my future posts will involve more happiness and good fortune. I wish the same for all of you this year and for many to come!

Bankruptcy DEFINITELY revealed

2010-12-13T17:21:00.001-05:00

So a couple weeks ago my mom came into town on the weekend. I thought it was to see a family member in the hospital, but she said she wanted to talk to me because she felt something was going on.

I told her I was having a hard time with residency, felt inadequate, blah blah. She encouraged me on that but then started pressing on my relationship with NotMexican. After a lot of questions about his finances, she directly asked if he was filing for bankruptcy.

How did she know?

I was honest. We talked about it. I told her what it meant... then she started pressing for me to tell dad.

I told her I tried and he didn't wanna know. She said he was probably drunk and that's no excuse. He needs to know.

I gave in and told him yesterday. He was very calm. In fact, it didn't seem to bother him.

But naturally I got a lecture.

Now... NotMexican and I have been having more conflict in our relationship. Admittedly, I've been questioning if I'm making a mistake.

I expected my parents to tell me I was making a mistake and try to get me to break it off, but all they asked was for the same things I've been asking from NotMexican.

1. Counseling- I was pushing for this before engagement.
2. Live together before marriage- heck yeah
3. Pre-nup- you bet your freaking a$$ to Mars (if that's even a phrase)

I thought this was amazing and wonderful because my parents only re-iterated what I felt I needed before a legal union, a business arrangement... marriage.

NotMexican took it the wrong way, which I didn't understand and repeatedly kept telling him how this was a good thing.

He calmed down and apologized and ultimately did agree (since he already agreed before)... and well, I'm still engaged.

For now...

First session with the counselor is Friday.

Will and Kate... Eva and Tony

2010-11-21T16:18:00.000-05:00

When my cousin accidentally deleted her toast for her sister's wedding last week, I tried to get her to do the Princess Bride speech "Mawwaige..." Great movie.

Anyway, I cannot tell you how thrilled I am that Will and Kate are engaged. He is clearly a sweet and wonderful guy, and she is poised and beautiful.

On the other hand, I'm sadded by Eva Longoria and Tony Parker's split. While I do think what Tony did was terrible and extremely hurtful, I don't think Eva even tried to forgive and work on marriage. (So I don't know all the details, but still)

Agreeing to marry NotMexican was not a decision made lightly. It was very important to both of us that we have the same basic values and foundation. This included religion, politics, ethics, ambition, etc.

More importantly, I stressed the need for honesty and the ability to work together to solve problems.

I really hate how most of hollywood seems to run to divorce court over something that could be managed in therapy.

I hope Will and Kate honor and forgive each other, working to stick together as they have been able to do for the past 8 years.

New Blog Title

2010-11-02T17:44:00.004-05:00

Well I made it official about a month ago.

I'm no longer a predator.

I'm still getting used to it, but with my emotional ups and downs... the ups have been greater than the downs.

So I decided to change my blog template.

Don't worry... It's still me.

I mean, HELLO, my background is a glass of wine.

Cheers my loves!

Grieving for Singledom

2010-10-30T13:44:00.002-05:00

When people talk about grief, it's often over the loss of a loved one. But haven't we all gone through the Kubler-Ross stages of grief when we lost our favorite clothing item or had to let go of a past relationship?

The realization that I'm in a serious, lifelong relationship is creeping up on me, and I'm grieving the loss of my single life.

I know most women hate being single, but I LOVED IT. I absolutely LOVED dating, getting to know someone, getting hit on by guys and giving them my number, not caring where things went because there would always be the next guy... I'll stop now as I realize I'm beginning to brag.

Sorry.

A few nights ago, I went to a social event with friends. We were hanging out, drinking, meeting new people... and this attractive (BLOND) guy came over and started chatting with us. He was chatting it up with my friend first and I chatted with his friend. Then we switched, and he and I were having fun conversation.

I wasn't thinking too much of it until he asked me if I was single or engaged because he couldn't tell with my finger. (I have a tendency to flap my hands all over the place while talking, so good luck focusing on my fingers). I told him I was engaged and conversation continued as normal... or so I thought.

A few minutes later he told us he was gonna find his friends. I leaned over to my girl-friend and told her that if I wasn't engaged, he would soooo be my type. She said he was clearly dissapointed to learn I wasn't available.

It didn't hit me until someone else said it, but I actually felt sad when I got home. He totally would have asked me out, and we would probably have dated for a good while... I felt depressed.

Here I am alone in Boston while my fiance takes care of things across the country. I miss him all the time and am totally faithful, but man this non-single life is really starting to get to me.

Thankfully, NotMexican and I talked it out a couple days later. It probably wasn't the most exciting stuff for him to hear from me, but he was incredibly supportive and assured me that all will be well. Our distance will only make us stronger when we're finally together.

Man I hope so...

Bankruptcy Revealed?

2010-10-17T09:38:00.000-05:00

I was talking to my sister the other day and she asked me when I was gonna tell our parents about NotMexican's bankruptcy.

I told her that I didn't plan to. In fact, NotMexican wanted to spill his guts to my parents the first time they met and I told him not to. I didn't want them to judge him for being divorced and losing all his money because of it.

My sister told me it wasn't fair to our parents. What if we need them to cosign a loan in the future when buying a home.

I had thought about that, but I didn't plan on considering home buying for another 5 years.

I thought about it and agreed so I told NotMexican that we should sit my parents down and tell them everything. As if he didn't have enough stress on his plate, I just added a whopping chunk.

He got really upset (naturally), told me that he wasn't gonna say anything because I assured him it wasn't a big deal (true) and got angry with me for bringing it up suddenly (as he should).

Since it was such a big deal, both he and my sister suggested I tell my parents. I'm the one who started the drama, so I should take care of it.

And that's what I did last night.

We were at a formal dinner for the hospital and I found my dad in the corner hoarding food and drinks. I sat down with him and asked him what he thought of NotMexican.

He said he liked him.

I told my dad that I've made my decision. He replied, "I trust your decision."

I told my dad that NotMexican hasn't had the easiest life and because of it we will probably struggle financially. My dad said, "That's ok. Your mom and I struggled."

I asked my dad if he wanted to know why we would be struggling. My dad said, "I don't wanna know anything. I trust your decision. It's clear that NotMexican has struggled in his life just from talking to him and I think it's a good thing."

I asked him if was sure... He said he was sure.

I don't know what to say, but I'm just amazingly thankful.

Bankruptcy Details

2010-09-28T17:37:00.000-05:00

So some of you expressed concern in your comments on my last post and I wanted to write this post to assure you all that I did not suddenly throw my education out the window and go with love only.

NotMexican told me about filing for bankruptcy very early in our relationship. His ex-wife cheated on him, left him and took all of his money with her. (I'm sure karma will reap plenty of rewards on that).

Anyway, NotMexican has a fantastic lawyer helping him through this and my main concern is not so much the bankruptcy but what happens after and how it will affect me.

Will he get a good job in Boston? Will he get into law school? How will we pay for law school? How will his bankruptcy affect my credit, getting an apartment, etc etc?

I shouldn't be as concerned as he has been preparing for this, but I haven't. I've never not had money. I've never been in debt. I always have my parents to back me up should I need them.

As for the ring, well I knew where to go in Boston to get the best deal... and yes I paid for the ring. NotMexican has already paid me almost half-way back so I'm not concerned... and hopefully you guys won't judge that.

And as for marriage, it sure ain't gonna happen without counseling. I constantly have to reassure NotMexican that I won't cheat on him... and well you all know my track record with this blog... so clearly both of us need the counseling.

Basically, he is the guy for me. I'll never get to be a Real Housewife of Boston, but I will have a wonderful, hard-working, loyal, God-fearing husband.

Freak-Outs

2010-09-25T12:31:00.000-05:00

I would hope it's normal to have freak-outs when you're making a monumental decision.

The proposal was sooner than expected, so i don't think I was mentally prepared for what it means to be engaged.

All of my decisions are now affected by the realization that I have to think for "us" instead of "me."

It's a scary thing to accept this.

So naturally... I freaked out. And it happened at one of my best friend's weddings last week.

I asked NotMexican if he really loved me during the reception... and that upset him so much. Poor timing in retrospect, but I can't predict these things.

He reassured me, but I felt badly into the next day. Unfortunately that made our NYC trip the worst. I couldn't get over my freak out and then everything that could go wrong that day... did.

Everything ended poorly, resulting ultimately in an argument... and we parted, he back to Denver and I back to Boston, in anger.

Normally, that for me would mean the end of a relationship.

Luckily, it resulted in a fresh start.

We talked it out while I was on the greyhound back to Boston and had a great conversation agreeing to disagree and agreeing to work with each other.

I feel even better about our future now because we have excellent communication and make changes as we can to help each other out.

But I'm about to have my next freak out... his impending bankruptcy.

The Ring

2010-09-20T12:17:00.002-05:00

even better than the ring I wanted!

A Predator No More

2010-09-17T11:57:00.001-05:00

It's official.

I'm engaged.

I went to Denver last weekend for NotMexican's birthday.

We were relaxing at his home and typical me was on the computer.

He came over to hug me, then he wouldn't let go.

I said, "Babe, I'm on the computer"

He kept hugging me and said "you're gonna be my wife right?"

"of course babe"

"you're gonna marry me right"

"of course babe" (as I'm still typing away on the computer)

"do I have to get down on one knee?"

"when the time comes, if you want to... do whatever" (still trying to type)

NotMexican is down on one knee.

I asked, "oh are you asking me now?"

He puts the ring on my finger and says yes.

"Well yes of course!"

And then he picked me up, took me to the bedroom and hugged me for a long time.... as I stared at my ring.

Picture of the ring to come soon!

when Exes become friends

2010-08-21T13:07:00.002-05:00

I introduced NotMexican to Author because they both love to wakeboard. NotMexican owns a boat and is always looking for people to join him. Author owns a wakeboard is always looking for someone to pull him around.

They quickly became friends and hang out all the time without me.

NotMexican knows I dated Author. He doesn't know the extent of our hook-ups and failed dating, but he is very much ok with everything. Author has been very gentlemanly about not saying too much.

All of NotMexican's friends think their friendship is weird.

I think it's kinda cool. They're both great guys... who have both slept with me.

lol

Nurses are NOT doctors

2010-08-11T11:35:00.007-05:00

So one of my friends posted this article on facebook.

http://www.philly.com/inquirer/business/20100808_Nurses_who_are_doctors.html#ixzz0w85yHIRJ

Read it at your leisure, and let me know what you think.

Here's what I think:

Nurses are NOT doctors. Podiatrists are NOT doctors. Optometrists are NOT doctors. A lot of people with a "doctorate" are NOT doctors.

Doctors should only be called doctor if they have an M.D. a MEDICAL degree.

I wrote this post years ago during my third year of medical school ranting about hating nurses. I have since changed my mind as I have had the opportunity to work with GREAT nurses.

And while I appreciate nurse practitioners taking on more responsibility for decision-making, the fact is that the physician (the M.D. doctor) has the final say... and is ultimately the one who will get sued.

Calling anyone else a doctor confuses the crap out of patients, and speaking from first-hand experience, many patients are not the brightest.

I don't like wearing a white coat. I don't need anyone to call me doctor. In fact, it still shocks me when people do. I am a team-player like every physician in every hospital should be.

I don't want to confuse my patient. It's bad enough that they have 20+ medications to take on a daily basis. They should not have 20+ people to call doctor.

Doctor = a high school diploma + a bachelors degree + a medical degree from an accredited 4 year medical school

And even though at that point one earns the title of doctor, one is not officially done until he/she has completed the following: 3 or more years of an accredited residency program + 1-2 years of fellowship if specializing + PASSING the USA board exam(s).

I'm a doctor. I don't feel the need take ownership of that title for myself, but I do feel the obligation to take ownership of that title for excellent patient care.

It's not about hierarchy. It's about doing the job you're doing AS PART OF A TEAM to give the best patient care. Whether you're a doctor, nurse, technician, patient transporter or flower delivery person in the hospital... your focus is (or should be) SOMEONE ELSE.

Hanging with Exes

2010-07-31T15:38:00.001-05:00

In general I don't like to hang out with exes. It's not that I worry I'll fall into some trap of getting back together, but more that I don't think hanging out will help either one of us in any way.

That is, until last night when RedSox texted me to hang out at a posh bar in my area. It wasn't simply a request to hang out either. It was a request to help make another girl jealous.

Had I been sober, I probably would have declined (by lying and saying I was in a differnet part of town) but in my tipsy state I thougt it would be fun.

So I met up with RedSox, helped a girl feel miffed enough to leave the bar and got free drinks and after-hours pizza out of it.

Though the sketchy thing (which I feel is not a big deal) is that we went back to his place and watched TV... then I passed out on his couch.

In an odd way, it felt like we were dating again because we always watched TV before going to sleep, and I'd usually pass out on the couch for a bit and then head to bed dis-satisfied. But this time, I didn't go to his bed and we were friends who let other friends spend the night.

I don't plan on doing it again, though, for obvious reasons that my boyfriend would get pissed.

Ring a ding ding

2010-07-27T18:50:00.006-05:00

NotMexican casually told me a couple weeks ago that I should start engagement ring shopping. For most women I'm sure this is their dream come true. For me, the aspiring cougar-to-be, I had no idea what to do.

So I went about it in a scientific way. I googled diamonds. I read all about the C's and was scientifically prepped to shop.

I headed to the Diamond district in Boston and the endless sparkle threw my online education out the window.

I was AMAZED at how inexpensive a ring could be if I was willing to compromise on things. It was nuts.

I was overwhelmed with the whole experience, so I meandered home and stumbled into a boutique jewelry store on Charles Street.

I saw this ring and fell in love. It's a champagne diamond, so a "terrible" color but PERFECT for me. It was set in rose gold... not the ideal platinum but PERFECT for me. It has a halo of diamonds which tricks the eye into seeing a much larger ring, thus dropping the price.

It's beautiful. I took this picture from the shop's website. Sadly the store burned down last week, but I bet I could email the owner and get a deal on this ring... we'll see... but after I showed this picture to NotMexican, he told me to leave everything in his hands.

Breaking the news to RedSox

2010-07-10T17:43:00.003-05:00

When I landed in Boston, RedSox called to get the scoop on my moving and when i would be free.

I told him it would be a few days of moving in, but we could certainly hang out.

And I wanted to hang out as soon as possible because I wanted to break the news about my relationship with NotMexican sooner rather than later.

We met up for drinks in Beacon Hill. He looked great. Clearly he had been working out more. I was happy for him.

We talked about our mutual friends to get the scoop on peoples' lives. And after a while I finally got the courage to ask him if he was seeing anyone.

He told me off and on.

I felt relieved and then blurted out that I was in a relationship.

RedSox took the news very well. He actually didn't think we would be getting back together considering we didn't communicate too much while I was in colorado. He admitted that it hurt a little bit, but he'll always be there for me and care for me.

I told him I would do the same.

The rest of the evening was two good friends hanging out. We have talked here and there since, and I'm happy with that. I wish him the best and the woman who gets to be with him is going to be one of the luckiest girls in the world.

NotMexican Comes to Boston!

2010-07-07T19:00:00.003-05:00

And... he loves it!

Naturally...

Despite being a generally terrible tour guide, I put some effort into NotMexican's visit.

He arrived late Friday night, so we pretty much went home and shagged. I mean come on... it had been a week since I got some and that is a long time for me.

Saturday we woke up and I walked him over a whole chunk of the city. We started in Beacon Hill, walked down Charles St, crossed the gardens to Newbury St, walked down newbury and crossed Mass Ave, walking all the way to Fenway. We stopped at Boston Beer Works to have a beer and watch some World Cup. Then we walked all the way back to beacon hill.

Most of my friends know I'm a walker. Never had a car and not excited to ever have one.

We napped and then walked to Charlestown Navy Yard to go on a sailing cruise around the harbor. NotMexican LOVES the water and loved the trip.

That night I took him to Finale for dessert. YUM.

Sunday... we both were sick. He ached all over and had stomach issues. My food poisoning from the week prior made a comeback out the rear-end only. We hopped on to the commuter rail to see my parents in the burbs, and my mom took care of both of us for the rest of the day.

I think she loved it.

Now she wants NotMexican to visit more often, as do I. He's already booked his trip for the coming weeks.

If people haven't already signed up for the website Groupon, here is a link:

http://www.groupon.com/r/uu3206654

I got a $30 gift certificate to use for food AND alcohol at Finale. It's great for awesome deals in your city!

Meet the Parents

2010-06-29T19:53:00.000-05:00

I was very nervous introducing NotMexican to my parents. He is totally different from my other boyfriends, and well... Indian parents are very harsh. They don't quite put their kids interests before their own.

So I prepped NotMexican and told him what to say and what to wear. If my parents saw his tattoos, it would be all over. As much as I hated asking him to do this, he accepted that Indian parents are different. First impressions mean everything. After that, we can reveal the not so exciting truths.

My parents were kind and accepting but aloof. It really bother NotMexican and he was sure they hated him. I assured him that's not the case, but I'll talk to them. I told my parents that I love him. He's my choice in life. I don't know how things will ultimately pan out, but they better like him or else...

So they chose to like him.

I've been back in Boston for a few days now, settling into my apartment in Beacon Hill. It's all coming along and I can't wait for NotMexican to come visit this weekend!

Now if only this food poisoning would go away...

Ginger :)

2010-06-19T09:29:00.002-05:00

She's totally a Ginger and responds to the name and overall is a great dog. In the time that she's been with us, she has barked twice. Once when she saw another golden retriever and the second while she was sleeping.

She's beautiful and loving and I'm so glad NotMexican has her to keep him company when we're across the country from each other.

My parents and sister arrived yesterday. With everyone's different time zones I didn't get much sleep. But I'm glad they're here (especially to help me pack) and then I move into my apartment in Boston in a week from today.

CRAZY!

oops my mistake

2010-06-16T15:50:00.002-05:00

sorry about the last post and the freak out. NotMexican is in fact still employed. I somehow interpreted his venting about his boss and their meeting as being let go... when in fact he is still employed.

Next post... GINGER!

Days to Come

2010-06-15T16:57:00.002-05:00

I'll get a post up about the dog soon. I wanted to get pictures of her first and those are pending. In the meantime, much has transpired.

I've basically been spending every waking moment outside of the hospital with NotMexican. I move back to Boston in less than 2 weeks and it's finally starting to hit that we won't be able to see each other as often as we'd like.

Though we'll get a bit of a taste when my parents and sister arrive in 3 days. It's my birthday this weekend, so they're coming to celebrate that and father's day along with seeing colorado and helping me pack up to move back.

NotMexican will be at his brother's wedding, but then he'll meet the whole family on Sunday. I'm excited to introduce but I'm very nervous about it too.

It's funny because I've been coaching him a bit on Indian parents and his marketing professor (indian chick) has been coaching him as well. Both of us are basically teaching him how to sell himself to my parents.

Now I never wanted to ask NotMexican to lie... just use his future plans as his current truth. He is not to tell them that he finishing up undergrad at the age of 28. That, he is ok with.

But now... well today... he lost his job.

I am terrified to let my parents know any of this, because they will shoot me before they allow the man in my life to be the "cause" of struggles.

I know everything will be ok... but for now, I'm freaking out!

Ginger vs. Molly

2010-05-26T11:09:00.004-05:00

First I want to thank you all for your words of encouragement and support. This whole relationship thing is still relatively new to me, since I've prided myself on being a single girl at heart... a heart that is going through some changes for sure

I'll be moving back to Boston in one month. I can't believe it! While NotMexican and I have made some moves towards seeing each other and staying together, he decided he wanted to make another move as well.

We went to a shelter last night and got a golden retriver for him. He has been wanting a golden retriever for a really long time. He did all the research and there is a shelter in colorado that specifically takes in golden retrievers.

NotMexican was very specific. He wanted a boy, adult but not old, lighter hair color and gentle. We walked away with all the criteria except the dog is a girl.

She is wonderful minus the bad breath. She loves people, follows us everywhere, is quiet, slept the whole night without issues, already learned to go through the doggy door... and so much more.

Now NotMexican has someone with whom to cuddle while I'm not around. The only question is what to name her. Poor thing was essentially abused at her prior home, so we have to change her name to make sure the prior owners never find her again.

I like Molly... NotMexican likes Ginger.

I wish I had taken a pic for you guys, but any thoughts on what to name her?

Two trips here, Two trip there

2010-05-21T03:55:00.002-05:00

First and foremost, I should announce that I passed my board exam. Thank God! It's not my last board exam, but it's the last one that will involve all the topics of medicine I hate.

Ok, so I booked my trip to Denver in August to visit NotMexican. In fact, I booked a second trip in September for his birthday. There... I did it.

And no one could be happier than NotMexican. His biggest insecurity for the past couple of weeks was the fear that I wouldn't book a trip and thus hasten the demise of our relationship.

I don't want that... ever.

Winding Down

2010-05-18T15:43:00.003-05:00

My year in Denver is coming to a close. I've got one month left and it's gonna be crazy busy.

I've secured my apartment back in Boston. I'll be back in Beacon Hill, and I got a great deal for a 1 bedroom. The realtor was kind of a douchebag and relatively incompetant in my opinion, but I had to go through him to get this place. BTW, I had NO IDEA that a realtor fee in Boston would be an entire month's rent. So heinous... but in the long run still a good deal.

NotMexican has already booked his trip for 4th of July, so I'll only go a week without him, which should give me plenty of time to fix up my place. It's now my turn to book a trip in advance to come back to colorado to visit him... but I'm feeling hesitation.

I know that if I book the trip, I'm truly comitted to making this relationship work. And I've never been truly committed to making any relationship work. I still haven't told RedSox about him because I think it's rude to break that kind of news over facebook, email or text. I'm just overall feeling nervous I guess.

Plus I'm kind of down about work. My year of internal medicine didn't go as well as I hoped. I can't fake enthusiasm and in a female dominant field, the attendings made it very clear that they did not like my lack of interest. My only goal was/is to take care of patients, and for the most part I think I did as well as any other intern. I'm kind of annoyed that I was targeted for lacking enthusiasm when I know all my other co-preliminary interns had the same attitude... but fortunately for them... they had male advisors.

So much to do and hopefully this last month will fly. Of course, I'll be keeping you posted on the drama to ensue once I return to the Bean.

In God We Trust

2010-04-26T13:19:00.000-05:00

After my exam, i pretty much flew straight to Indonesia to spend a week with some ladies in the family. My mom was a spazz the whole time, but everyone else was chill and awesome. The trip was great, but I am so thankful to not live in a third world country.

The whole time, I missed NotMexican, too. Usually when I leave to do my own thing, I have so much fun and barely think about the guy I'm dating. It was different this time and sucked. I wanted him to see and do what I was doing, share it with me.

I also told my mom about him. I naturally left out the parts about him finishing up undergrad now and being divorced... so she likes him already!

Now of course in any relationship, I tend to think too much. I began creating scenarios in preparation for the future, and I've been really worried about NotMexican moving to Boston.

Here comes the terrible What If game...

What if he doesn't like Boston, what if he doesn't get a job, what if he doesn't get into grad school, what if this, what if that, what if what if...

It really started to affect me and I didn't know how to handle things.

And then we went to church yesterday and the sermon was pretty much about the What If game... and the minister asked, "

What if you just had faith?"

It was all I needed to hear, and now I've put our relationship in God's hands and feel SO MUCH BETTER.

Oh and I didn't freak out when NotMexican told me he wanted to marry me and have kids with me. Ok I freaked a titch...

Day 1 of 2 done

2010-04-06T19:53:00.002-05:00

I just finished my first day of the Step 3 exam. It sucked... 8 hours straight answering questions.

I strolled back to my hotel afterward and walked into my room to find flowers waiting for me.

NotMexican sent them.

Don't you wish you were dating him?

I sent him an I Love You text. Seriously, who have I become?

He replied:
I love you Roxy. Very much in love with you and I like it. Every day I realize I would give the world for you and pray to God about it. Corny maybe... but true.

Don't you all just wanna vomit? (try not to though as it'll result in hypokalemia)

A Good Freak-Out

2010-04-03T15:59:00.003-05:00

So I'm freaking out... and not about my board exam in 3 days.

NotMexican (i should really change that name... sorry digressing)

Ok

NotMexican told me he loved me.

kussmaul breathing... (sorry I'm supposed to be studying)

I said it back.

Hyperventilating and bringing down intracranial pressure (sorry, again I really should be studying)

It's wonderful, but I'm scared.

I've never been in love before and it's freaking me out. Mostly because I'm doing the what-if thing and future thinking. (I can't find my Power of Now book, dammit!)

He told me he loved me. He told me he's trying to figure out how to get to Boston. It will probably be a year from now.

Which gives me more than enough time to fuck it all up!

OMG... I'm in love!

Official

2010-03-26T16:34:00.002-05:00

A few nights ago after going out NotMexican sends me this series of texts:

I have to tell you. I tried hard not to let it happen because I figure if it does then it's real. I am freaking crazy about you. And I need to figure out how to get you to stay and not move back to Boston.

I see good things with you. Great things.

We need to talk.

I have never really had the talk with any guy I've dated. Not even with RedSox whom I dated for THREE years.

I relied on it actually. It allowed me to do whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted because then I wouldn't be a cheater.

NotMexican and I went out the night after the texts and talked very little actually. We became official and promised we would enjoy what time we have left.

So that's what we're doing... as boyfriend and girlfriend.

And now it's time to meet all of his friends...

Bankruptcy

2010-03-23T11:32:00.003-05:00

I was out with NotMexican last week and we were randomly watching The Apprentice. He told me that Donald Trump has filed for bankruptcy twice in his lifetime. I was rather surprised as he's never been anything other than a billionaire to me.

The next time NotMexican and I were together, we were lying in bed and talking. He told me that he was testing me when he told me about Donald Trump.

ok????

I didn't quite get it until he revealed that he was filing for bankruptcy himself. I didn't know what to say because it just didn't make sense. He pays for everything when we go out. He seemed comfortable and set. I have no idea what filing for it means.

He also told me that while he is waiting for his tenants to move out of his house, he is living with his parents which is why he didn't want me coming over.

If this was any other guy, I think I would be more bothered. But I can also understand this is a tough time and it's embarrassing.

And I don't care. I think I love him.

I can't believe I just said that.

Sometimes I hate being a girl

2010-03-18T12:07:00.003-05:00

So things are going really well with NotMexican... but they could be going better.

And that statement right there is why I hate being a girl.

I want to see him all the time. I want to talk to him all the time. I get super giddy when my text message beep goes off and it's him.

He also says the right things... but I want more.

The other day we were texting and he told me I'm on his mind often, asking if that was a good thing.

Since I'm a bit of a snob, I replied that I should be on his mind all the time.

After a lot of banter back and forth that lead to medical explanations, he finally cut to the chase and said he wanted to know if he was on my mind.

Well yes... of course.

So you see we have great text conversations. We see each other appropriately. We have great sex every time...

But I'm a freakin girl and I want more.

I want all the time.

Man I hate relationships.

Narrowing down to one?

2010-03-13T15:28:00.003-05:00

I don't why i'm all of a sudden growing up, but lately I've been thinking about narrowing my dating ways to that of a mature person... and trying to date only one man.

It may suck for this blog, but knowing me... it won't last.

I've been dating this new guy NotMexican pretty consistently now. I know it's only been a few weeks, but I like him a lot.

He pushes my buttons in all the right ways. He's bluntly honest. He called me a snob and said he liked it. He's started learning my ways and adjusting his habits alongside mine.

And the sex... oooo the sex... very enjoyable indeed :)

Whack a Mole

2010-03-01T23:23:00.002-05:00

Why is it that men from the past always pop up out of the ground at the same time?

On Friday, my building had a small wine-tasting and a potential sugar daddy from the past who happens to own the store hosting the tasting was there. I sadly did not get to enjoy the tasting as I was studying (pat on back).

On my way out the door later in the evening to enjoy a drink with my new guy NotMexican, my concierge stopped me. Apparently the sugar daddy asked him to tell me to call. He lost his phone and thus lost my number. It's kinda funny since he lost his phone the day before we were supposed to hang out. I was convinced he was just not that into me.

Now months later, he's back in the picture. If he turns into something, I'll be sure to let you know.

But of course he's not the only to pop back into the picture. Fargo has returned. We briefly dated in the fall, but I just couldn't stand his accent. He texted me saturday night saying he missed me. If he could shut up the whole time, maybe we could try again.

Then of course the Author. He is so in and out all the time, I just don't bother anymore. Author texted me today asking to hang out. He is so weird. We'll text and try to make plans and then he'll fall off the face of the earth for a bit. I of course keep going with my other men, so it doesn't bother me, but I'm kinda at the point where I'm just not sure I'm interested anymore.

All these guys popping back up... and I'm still seeing ScottyAvs and now NotMexican.

This should be very interesting...

Oh the marine...God Bless America

2010-02-22T20:49:00.003-05:00

So one of my neighbors in our groups of friends is the Marine. He's 24, very handsome, very intelligent. My friend... just friend... yeah right.

He broke up with girlfriend a couple of months ago and we all continued to hang out as friends... just friends.

Saturday night I needed a drink. All of our neighbors were out of town, so I called Marine to join me because we're friends... just friends.

Marine and I drink... we keep drinking... the bartender decides to try out some drinks on us... we're drunk.

And we do what we always do.

We go back to his apartment, play Wii and watch cash cab.

This time he decided to lie on top of me.

Then he decided to kiss me.

Then we were naked in his bedroom.

All he can say is "Why didn't this happen before?"

And I replied "because you had a girlfriend."

And then I passed out, woke up naked, forgot where I was, quickly realized what happened... then got up and went about my day.

Because this is what I do.

Happy Valentine's Day!

2010-02-16T00:04:00.003-05:00

I hope you all had a wonderful valentine's day. I know the day is not necessarily about flowers, chocolates and gifts. But let's be freakin honest... I LOVE THEM!

I tend not to put any pressure of the guy(s) I'm dating as I have very little faith in men to be at all romantic. So it's always a happy surprise when they do something.

Arena sent me a text... cute... I haven't seen him since he dropped the baby bomb.

ScottyAvs apologized (I can't believe it either) for not coming up with any plans, but he last-minute took me to a nice dinner and bought flowers.

What a cutie!

I rode him extra hard for that. ;)

Arena's surprise

2010-02-04T17:49:00.004-05:00

I invited Arena to come out for a happy hour last night. We drank quite a bit and enjoyed hanging out with my neighbors. While out, he told me he had to tell me something.

I always hate that ominous vibe.

We kept drinking and naturally I was pretty drunk when we finally got back to my place, had sex and then started talking. Come on... I gotta get some before bad news kills the mood ok!

Arena had told me a few weeks ago that his job was going to end in a couple of months. He told me he might do some traveling.

What he broke to me last night is that he'll have to head back to Iowa because his ex-girlfriend is due to have a baby girl around that time.

It gets better.

They had actually been TRYING to have a baby together. She got pregnant and told him that she had cheated. Somebody call Maury. Arena is not sure if the baby is his.

I am totally ok with this for 2 reasons.

1. Arena and I were not going to last
2. His problem... not mine

I'm not sure if he wants support or what, but I'm just not that interested in his baby mama drama. Been there, done that only a few months ago.

I am interested in continuing to see him... after all... the sex is fantastic!

the Author writes again

2010-01-31T16:54:00.003-05:00

After a date last night that ended in a quick goodbye kiss, I headed to the bar in my building for more drinks. My night wasn't over just cos my date was sick and had to drive 30 minutes home.

I sat at the bar and texted a whole bunch of new neighbor friends to join me, but I also included Author as I knew he was sick in bed and wanted to stick it to him since I haven't seen nor heard from him in 2 months.

He replied and actually joined me for a drink. Poor thing was coughing, but I didn't let him get away with a sick excuse. I wanted to know where he was mentally and physically over the past 2 months.... actually one month as I knew December was his product launch month.

So what happened in January?

For the entire month he isolated himself because he was in negotiations to sell his company. It was a huge stressor (and probably was led to him becoming sick). I understood that, but to not to even get a text was saddening.

He claims he texted me last week with a big apology and hoping to hang out. When he didn't hear from me by the next day, he assumed I was upset with him and done.

I didn't get this alleged text. He thinks his reception in the mountains might be the culprit. I think I really don't care as he looked so cute and I just wanted to fuck him.

oops... TMI

But that's exactly what happened last night. :)

Cougar Cub

2010-01-24T12:56:00.002-05:00

I spent most of my 20s dating men in their 30s and 40s. I thought it was the intelligent thing to do as they seemed more put together, more mature, more experienced... and well... they hit on me more than guys in their 20s.

Until Now.

Maybe it's because there are more men in their 20s at bars than any other decade, but I am definitely getting more attention from the younger guys. I think I blatantly look my age, 28, so I'm not sure what is going on.

What I can tell you is that I LOVE IT.

I recently started seeing Arena. He's a couple years younger than I am and a professional arena football player despite the demise of the league. He's got a great body but isn't too beefy. He's a wide receiver (my favorite! along with quarterbacks).

Arena invited me over yesterday for an afternoon of "cuddling." Yeah right... like I can cuddle. Well we started out that way and naturally progressed to more fun activities.

O... O... O...

get it?

Arena has an unbelievable amount of energy and stamina. I don't think I've ever had a guy go that long and multiple times. What was I thinking avoiding men in their 20s?

No more...

I may not be at the age to have the official title of cougar, but I can only get older ;)

OleMiss Colorado recap

2010-01-13T19:42:00.002-05:00

OleMiss was crazy busy with work the entire time he was in Colorado. It made for very late nights if we got together. In the week he was here, I got to see him 3 times. I'd say that's pretty good considering I was also going out on dates with other men.

Where do I find this time? I'll never know.

On our last night together, we were having drinks at the bar across the street and one of my neighbors comes in. Now this is my 60 year old neighbor whom I love. He is pretty much the mayor of my building.

He sits with us for food and drinks and the first thing he says is "Roxy! I always see you with a different guy!"

I'm not about to hide it ;)

Bringing the South to Denver

2010-01-05T14:49:00.002-05:00

OleMiss arrived yesterday and pretty much got right down to business. We agreed to meet for drinks after work. I was on call but got out with plenty of time and we met at the bar in my building.

He looked great, much healthier. He complimented me as well and the drinking began.

I asked him how things were going with Bethie. He told me that he's trying to figure out how to break up with her. She is way too clingy on their 3rd go-around and he is not in love with her anymore.

That's all I wanted to hear.

After several glasses of wine and a couple of beers, we end up back at his hotel. Naturally we hit the bed and had sex.

Sadly with all the alcohol, I don't remember much of it this morning... but OleMiss is here for the rest of the week so I'm sure I'll be back in his hotel room more often than not.

New Year... same me

2010-01-03T17:46:00.007-05:00

In moving to Colorado, I thought I would use my free time to reflect on myself and work on self-improvement. Reality check... I have very little free time. And what little I have, I want to use to have fun.

In thinking about New Years resolutions, I thought I might stop using craigslist for dating. But then I realized I'd have to go out more often to meet men for dates and I just don't have the time to do that.

And that would leave all of you with very little to read. Perish the thought!

A few tidbits of what has been going on with men in my life:

MetroSteve returned to Denver. He didn't tell me. I just bumped into him on the elevator in our building. It was very awkward from his end, and I'm fairly certain the less-attractive-than-me chick with him was the reason. I don't have time for his insecurity. I wished him a happy new year and skipped off the elevator in my stilettos.

OleMiss is coming to Denver for business tomorrow. I may have mentioned a few months ago that he called me in the middle of the night and did this whole "what if we were in the same city" bit... and only told me he got back together with his ex 2 months after they were together. Well they're on the rocks again (no surprise) and he and I will be in the same city...

ScottAvs is a man I may never have mentioned. We went out a couple times. He loves hockey and I love hockey players... I mean I love hockey too. We recently reconnected and he's falling hard for me. I wish I was more into him.

Author was so busy the entire month of december with some product launch that I'm fairly certain we're done.

I went on facebook and saw RedSox's new years photos from the Bahamas. I actually felt jealous when I saw him with other girls.

AccountExec gets back from visiting family for the holidays this week. I'm hoping his new year's resolution is to get over his ex and get a hard on that lasts long enough for us to have sex.

There are some other boys in the works, but none too exciting as of yet. We'll see where 2010 goes...

Craigslist Frenzy

2009-12-21T18:58:00.002-05:00

Last week I responded to a craigs ad seeking a date for a Nuggets bball game. I love sporting events so I responded and the guy chose me. He wasn't hot, just cute enough but an all-around good guy.

We were at a bar near the stadium eating when he gets a text from his friend who is also coming to the game. The friend tells us that his date is outside of the bar and gonna meet us first. So she comes in and tells us that she met the friend on craigslist too.

So here we are, two girl who met two guys off of craigslist. Then sure enough when we ask the guys how they know each other, they tell us they met off craigslist too.

Four people all connected through craigslist. Love it.

Meeting the Parents on date 2?

2009-12-10T15:08:00.003-05:00

So I love the holidays, not so much for the obvious gift giving and receiving but moreso for the parties.

I responded to a craigslist ad seeking a date for the company party. Chazz replied. Blond and hot... I don't need more than that.

We bantered a bit back and forth and met for drinks the night before the party. I don't want to count it as a date, but he did pay.

So we chatted, had a good time and agreed that it would be fun to go to this holiday party together.

The next night, he picks me up and off we go.

So he's introducing me to everyone and at one point I coulda swarn he said "mom" to someone. It didn't quite register as I might have been on my third glass of wine, but as the night went on more and more people would kinda be talking about his parents.

I finally ask Chazz if his parents were at the party. He said, "yeah I already introduced you to them." I thought he was kidding, so I asked him to point them out.

He pointed to his father first... the man with whom I had an extensive discussion of whiskey. Then finally his mom, who thankfully I had complimented when I first met her. She was wearing great jewelry.

I'm in shock by this, but my guess is they're just a totally cool family. I don't know if Chazz and I hit it off, but I would jump into his bed in a heartbeat if he wanted.

Two Terrible Dates

2009-12-05T12:15:00.005-05:00

Thankfully it's quite rare that I have a terrible date or dating experience, but in the last week alone I've had two.

I'll start with the one that required this picture of the lips. My last craigslist post was about 2 months ago and PediGuy responded. We texted off and on repeatedly but he'd never follow through with plans. I concluded he enjoyed playing games, and i'd play along at my convenience. I call him PediGuy because he enjoyed getting pedicures.

When I returned from thanksgiving vacation, I texted PediGuy that I planned to get a pedicure that evening and he was welcome to join. Low and behold he actually did. He was very... unattractive. So I just went along for the friendly pedicure companionship. Conversation was great, then we went to chipotle for dinner and then got a glass of wine. After wine, he went in for the kiss with PUCKERED lips. It was gross and I turned my head. We got into his car to get me home and he tried again!

This time I pulled away and said I don't kiss on the first date. I texted him once I got home that I got the friend vibe and hope we can be friends. I don't ever expect to hear from him again.

The second terrible date was last night. I went out with a very cute guy who complimented me the whole night on my looks. We went to a pool hall to get drinks and he got up and told me he'd be back in 2 minutes. I figured he went outside to smoke a cigarette since I asked him not to while I was around. About 10-15 minutes go by and he's still not back. I sent him a text and no response. I got up and left, thinking I'd see him outside. Nope.

This has never happened to me before, and I can't think of a single thing that was said or done to cause him to leave other than asking him not to smoke around me.

On the plus side I did have an awesome date with a guy close to my age. He was very cute and we had a lot in common. Mostly we love the same movies/music and love to drink. He owns a couple liquor stores and used to work for a winery!

Is it sad that I get this excited about alcohol?

I'm sure I'll have more to report about him in the near future. In the meantime, I'm going out with AccountExec tonight...

thanksgiving

2009-12-02T18:15:00.003-05:00

I went home to Boston for Thanksgiving. I was looking forward to it for lazy days, friends and enjoying the city... but I was also nervous about seeing RedSox, going to my high school reunion and inter-acting with the aunt I hate.

It's been almost 6 months since we've seen each other. RedSox and I have spoken sporadically through text and facebook, but that's about it. He asked to hang out so we went to lunch on wednesday. It was like old times. He's super sweet and wonderful. He's lost a lot of weight, too!

I told him I missed him, but I think I may have mis-spoken. I missed "us," but I'm still not sure if we are meant to be.

I've been going to therapy. I've been working on myself. Not much has changed in behavior, but a lot has changed in my way of thinking. Baby steps people.

RedSox has lost weight... and that's about it.

He definitely wants to get back together when I return to Boston in June, but I'm worried that we'll fall right back into old ways.

Then there was my 10 year high school reunion. I didn't have the greatest high school experience, but I certainly didn't have the worst. So I am genuinely happy to see people whether I liked them or not, and I want to know that they're doing well. And of course... Michigan came.

I cannot describe the love, the lust, the dreams and wishes I had for Michigan. I have loved him since the 4th grade. He was everything I wanted in a guy, but he never liked me. I saw him at the reunion and melted. He still looks amazing.

I finally had the courage to say hi. I was hoping we'd chat for a bit and catch up like friends but he seemed uninterested in chatting. He also told me he got married in January...

My best friend says we'll hook up with each other at the 20 year reunion when we realize we hate our spouses... I secretly hope that's true.

As for thanksgiving, well I have a lot to be thankful for. Great career, healthy family, fabulous friends. The aunt I don't like... she had a UTI and left all of us alone.

When it's officially over...

2009-11-23T22:24:00.003-05:00

So I had told you a few posts ago that Southie fell off the face of the Earth. That's not exactly true. He just pulled back big time.

Instead of letting it go, I pushed him for an explanation. All he would give me is a text saying "i need to figure shit out." I assumed there was baby mama drama, but I stupidly told him I'd wait.

We ran into each other at football sunday at the usual spot after 2 weeks of not seeing each other. He came over, bought my drinks, hit on me, everything. I wasn't having it. I had been so upset with his sudden change of attitude, but I was able to get over it and moved forward.

He told me that Sunday he would take me out to dinner that week and make things up to me. I told him I'd believe him when it happened. No surprise. It didn't happen.

Now the problem with letting him go completely right then and there was that we both LOVE the Patriots. He was definitely someone I could text during games and party with at the bars on football Sunday.

But the reality is that he's just not that into me... anymore.

So last night I texted him that I was leaving for the holidays. I accept that we're done. I hope we can still be friendly should we run into each other.

He texted back that he still thinks we should hang out. I told him that I don't want that... especially since he won't tell me exactly what happened.

He didn't tell me why he pulled away. So now, we're officially over.

Soft... again

2009-11-16T23:36:00.003-05:00

AccountExec and I continue to see each other. Last week we went out for a nice dinner, but work has been exhausting and I was too tired to hook up.

I felt badly, but promptly made plans to head up to Boulder again. We went out for a great dinner at The Flagstaff. Sadly the winter storm obscured our view of Boulder below. Nonetheless, excellent meal and wine.

Afterwards we went back to his place, popped in a movie and started hooking up. He put on a condom, entered me and then promptly went soft.

A few posts ago he assured me it wasn't me. I chose to believe him. This time, I still don't think it's me. In fact, I knew all along that it was him. Though I didn't know why.

The following morning after we both shower and get ready for brunch he sits me down and tells me that it's psychological. His ex-girlfriend keeps calling him and telling him she's depressed and blah blah blah. It clearly was a serious relationship and he is trying to move on.

I wish I could say I understood what he is going through, but I've never been in love. I'm starting to think it's a good thing.

AccountExec wants to continue dating. And I think it's a good idea. Afterall... later that morning he bought me some very nice jewelry...

xoxo (Sorry I just started watching season 1 of Gossip Girl)

My Place or Yours

2009-11-10T16:16:00.002-05:00

Last night my building had a Broncos/Steelers party for all of the residents. I went with one of my girlfriends and we were having a great time meeting new residents when the Author showed up. He rarely shows up to these social events, so I'm certain he read my facebook status.

He said he was gonna have one beer and then go back to work. When you drink around me, you will most certainly be drinking more. A few beers later, some of us stopped watching the game and were hanging around chatting. Eventually we called it a night and I went back to my place assuming Author was heading back to work.

The texting begins, and he asks why I've never invited him into my place.

Now this is a topic that is a little touchy for me. I view my apartment as the place where I rest my head... and only that. I have never made the effort, nor spent the money to make my place feel like home.

In other words... I'm kinda embarrassed about my living spaces and having people over invokes intense anxiety.

For my place in Colorado, I did put a little bit of effort into it... like 2 weeks ago. And I'm very glad I did because I wasn't as embarrassed to allow Author into my place... and into my bed.

I realize more and more that I really need to start living like an adult. I hope when i find my place in Boston next year that I decorate it properly, and truly host people in my HOME.

Running Into People

2009-11-05T23:03:00.003-05:00

Well Southie has pretty much fallen off the face of the earth. Ok... he put me after the Yankees. I totally accepted coming second to his son, but I never in a million years thought I would come third to the Yankees.

It upset me for a good bit. I wrote about it a couple posts ago. I didn't tell you I cried, but I'll admit it. I really liked him. But once again, not enough time to get to open up. Oh well.

Moving on...

I went back on craigslist. My go-to site had a plethora of men from whom to choose. I opted for the engineer from upstate New York. He was totally cute and really fun. We went out two nights in a row. If he was here in Denver, we'd prolly be officially dating.

Anyway... he and I ended up back at the bar in my building. It's a great place where half the patrons live in my building. Low and behold... who is there... Author.

I panicked for a moment when I realized my date was standing next to Author at the bar. I check my cell phone and there are a few missed texts, including one from Author asking what I'm doing. When my date came back with the drinks I told him "my neighbor is here. We should invite him over. By the way, our story is that we went to undergrad together."

Author came over with a couple of his friends. We all had fun chatting away. Author did eventually ask how we knew each other, to which I promptly replied "engineers together!" and quickly changed the subject.

Did he believe me? Honestly, who cares... we're only FWBs

Panic Attack!

2009-10-31T21:35:00.002-05:00

AccountExec asked me last week if I was interested in having sex with him. I told him "of course!" but that I was unsure if he wanted to sleep with me. Up until last week, AccountExec had taken me out several times. He paid for everything. Hell, he bought me $200 boots.

But never once did he make a move or seem interested when I made a move. Yes, I went in for kisses at the ends of date nights and got the slightly turned cheek. It was awkward, annoying, confusing... but why would a guy take me out often and pay for everything and NOT be interested?

So last week when he brought up sex, I was thrown completely off guard and told him I wasn't ready that night but I would be next time.

He promptly made plans for me to go to Boulder where he lives. He picked me up yesterday, took me to a nice Italian restaurant and then back to his place.

We popped in a movie, got cozy on the futon and then of course started making out and taking off clothes. Everything was going well until he put the condom on... and went soft.

He apologized, but we continued making out and going along with foreplay. He got hard, put a condom on and entered me... and went soft.

He apologized, and I suggested that since we're well oiled with booze that maybe we should try again in the morning. Come morning, he starts massaging my back. Things heat up. He gets a condom on... and goes soft.

Last night I though it was alcohol. This morning, I'm thinking it's me. He starts profusely apologizing. He assures me it's not me.

He tells me that it's because it's the first time with me and he is having panic attacks.

I tell him it's ok... I had to do this because on the inside I was dying of laughter. I have never had a guy tell me he gets panic attacks during sex.

Well after breakfast, and plenty of Boulder sites, he asked me if I would see him again. He assured me that it will get better and I should look at this as one of the funny moments in our relationship. And of course i will...

Second Place is first loser

2009-10-28T23:02:00.003-05:00

One of my coworkers told me about meeting his wife. He said "you know... you kinda date the same person over and over again until one is tweaked just enough to be the one." Someone else told me that all women eventually marry their fathers.

I'm realizing that I've been dating my father over and over again, and I'm not sure the men are progressively tweaking towards becoming the one.

Almost all the men I date are leaders. CEOs, presidents, executive VPs, etc. Almost all of them put me second.

I came to this realization after I was upset earlier this week that I hadn't heard from Southie. He typically calls or texts daily and makes plans to hang out. Sunday I texted to apologize for my drunken saturday night texts. Didn't hear from him.

I texted that night. Didn't hear from him. Not a peep all day Monday. Monday night, I called. I NEVER call a man. He didn't pick up. So I finally texted and asked if he was upset with me. I know it's typically the kiss of death, but he eventually replied telling me "not at all." We had a brief text convo and he told me he'd call me tuesday.

It's now wednesday night and I finally get a text in response to one of my funny facebook messages.

I realized early on that I'd always be second to Southie's son, but he never made me feel that way. I was actually falling for him. What I'm realizing now is that I might be third... or some other number thereafter... or not anything at all anymore.

I hate the way this makes me feel, and I know it's a major reason I date the way I do and don't care for men the way I want to. It hurts too much. And thus I regress to former behavior.

As said in one of many great Pearl Jam songs, "I change by not changing at all"

I might be in Three relationships

2009-10-23T00:45:00.003-05:00

So I have yet to tell you about AccountExec. I wanted to before, but I was afraid of jinxing things.

AccountExec is my sugar daddy. Yup! I finally have one and he's great! He's cute. He can hold decent conversation. He takes me out to great restaurants. He bought me $200 juicy couture winter boots... I look super cute.

Now AccountExec and I had talked everything through when we met a month ago, and *this* was going to be a standard SD/SB relationship with NSA, seeing each other a couple of times a month.

again it was going to be...

AccountExec likes to see me more often than not. He plans ahead for dates and checks in sporadically in between seeing each other. He calls me sweetie via email. He has definitely fallen for me.

It's probably my fault. We haven't had sex yet.

Though I enjoying hanging out with him, I don't think we're compatible relationship-wise. But of course with my bubbly nature, smiles and flirtatious tendencies, I have successfully seduced him... accidentally.

Speaking of the Art of Seduction, the Author is currently reading that book to help him with book sales. It was fun to read excerpts together the other day as we lounged around in our PJs bantering back and forth before tearing off each other's clothes. The Author may be getting closer, but still keeping his distance.

Southie, however, is not keeping any sort of distance. He wants to hang out all the time. He'll call me on a rainy day to tell me he's gonna drive me to work. He takes care of me. He tells his friends about me. He's the first guy I've ever dated that I look at think "damn he is HOT!"

I love all three of my men for various reasons... here's to hoping I can keep all three in check.

Relationship Therapy

2009-10-15T20:19:00.004-05:00

I finally made an appointment with a therapist and went to see her for the first time today. I really like her. Right away I knew she was a kind soul, and as the session went on I felt she was appropriately starting and stopping me to pinpoint things I said.

I cried a lot in my session today. I don't think I've ever cried so much. I cried about work and how I'm frustrated that I have to do a year of internal medicine when I'm going for radiology. I cried about how one of my attendings could clearly sense my unhappiness and wrote it in my quarterly review. I cried because I lied to my advisor and told her I am TOTALLY interested in internal medicine.

I cried about my relationships with men... and boasted about them at the same time. I told her I've never had an orgasm with a guy but I am the master faker and no one has ever questioned it. I cried because I want to connect with someone, but I'm holding myself back due to the love of attention that many men give me.

I cried because it's ALL my parents fault. I'm in medicine because of them. I have relationship problems because of them. I love them very much, and I hate them at the same time.

My therapist pointed out that I'm a very all or nothing person. If something goes wrong, I tend to write the situation or person off completely. If something goes well, then it's the gold standard.

My homework assignment: I say things are good or bad when I should be saying they're effective or ineffective. I'm gonna try and work on that. I think my tendencies towards absolution of ALL good or ALL bad have prevented me from changing because I'm afraid of losing good things or taking on bad things.

Now I know one of my commenters on my "I don't think people like me" post asked me about my girlfriends. I love my girlfriends. I don't open up to them as much as I'd like because I'm afraid of judgement or discouragement (because sadly it has happened in the past).

And remember when I said if something goes wrong I write it off completely. Well when I vented to my girlfriends in the past, some of them responded with words I didn't think were appropriate. So I don't vent anymore because I don't think I'll get the support I need.

Maybe I'll try again, but I think that homework assignment is further down the road.

Drunk Dialing Me

2009-10-12T19:45:00.002-05:00

Within the past month, two of my past lovers have drunk dialed me or drunk texted me... which led to very lengthy one-sided (their side) conversations.

The first was LegalSeafoods. I broke up with him 4 years ago... FOUR YEARS! and at least once per year he drunk texts/calls to tell me he is sorry. He screwed up. He misses me. He wishes things were different. yada yada yada.

I listen. I thank him. I say goodbye.

Saturday night was OleMiss. Now it's a rarity to get drunken calls from OleMiss. Usually he rambles on about life. But this time he brought up "us." He asked me if I ever wondered what it would be like if we were in the same city. I told him there was a time that I did.

And there was. There was a time I wondered, recently... as recent as applying for residency. I wondered what would happen if I matched in NYC. I knew the job would be miserable, but I thought that maybe... just maybe it would be the boost that OleMiss and I needed to truly get to know each other and find out if we were meant to be.

He told me over the phone in his drunken state that he's pretty sure we're not meant to be. After all this time, it's clearly not in the cards for us. I know it's true. I just never admitted it. But yeah, we'll always be great friends. While single, we'll be great FWBs... but yeah.

We will never be. Though I'm certain he'll keep drunk dialing me.

i don't think people like me

2009-10-09T18:26:00.002-05:00

here me out

I'm super social and outgoing. I LOVE LOVE LOVE people. I'm good at patient care because I love my patients. I hate the medicine, but I love spending time with them. I also love spending time with my friends... but I have incredible anxiety about it.

I never really revealed that to anyone before.

I'm really good at superficial relationships, almost too good. But in depth... not so much. And while I think I get away with it, I'm fairly certain I don't. I don't get invited to anything that involves depth: book clubs, intimate lunches, small gatherings. I do get invited to superficial events: massive parties, house-warmings, baby showers, open bars...

It's something I've struggled with my entire life. I'm very good at hiding the hurt because the big parties come quite often, but once in a while when I'm home alone and I just wanna go out... and I don't have anyone to call...

Well yeah... it sucks.

I called my doctor the other day to ask for help with this and she gave me a number to call. I just called... they're closed until monday. That's 3 days of emptiness.

sux

Talk Dirty to Me

2009-10-03T15:11:00.003-05:00

Southie likes it when I talk dirty. It's fun and I've done it several times before, but there's a kicker here.

Southie likes it when I tell him about sex with other men.

Last night during sex, I told him about the first time the Author and I hooked up.

He was so turned on, it was kinda weird... but in a good way. I very much enjoyed my first time with the Author.

I'm happy there's someone else who can appreciate that.

Sexy Meals

2009-10-01T12:09:00.002-05:00

Yesterday the Author took me out for lunch, and then we had sex.

Yesterday Southie picked me up for an early dinner. He cooked, and then we had sex.

Two men in one day, not bad... not bad at all.

Single Parents

2009-09-26T20:02:00.002-05:00

Have you ever dated a guy or girl with a kid?

Southie has a 2 year-old. I think his son is great, but kids seem to hamper situations.

I like to go out... a lot. Southie is able to make it out quite a bit but once in a while he can't because of his son.

Don't get me wrong. I think it's great because it means Southie is a wonderful father, but I never imagined dating situations to be like this.

Kind of like I'm second.

I like Southie a lot, but I am not accustomed to second place.

Whirlwind Update

2009-09-18T09:21:00.004-05:00

So sorry to have kept you all out of the loop. It's been a crazy month on the wards with long hours and patients who just aren't leaving the hospital.

And on top of that I've been dating like crazy and going nuts about football season, and overall just not getting to the computer.

So my date with the German Daddy was less than stellar. He knew more about food and wine than me and told me about all these great places he'd take me. Of course I made the mistake of sleeping with him that night and haven't heard from him since.

But I did meet Southie. I call him that because he has a straight-up Boston accent like no other. He's been in colorado for 13 years and he'll never get rid of it. I kind of enjoy it. Reminds me of home. Southie treats me like a queen. He took me a concert at red rocks and always texts and calls and wants to hang out. Tonight he's cooking me dinner and I'll get to catch up on True Blood!

The pornstar is officially out of the picture. He would get emotional over texts and tell me that he's falling in love with me. Then when it would come time to meet, he'd cancel last minute. I'm not a dumb chick, I dropped him like it's hot.

Blondie is around, but I've kinda been avoiding him. He's a cutie, but it's just such a pain to get together and frankly the fargo accent was getting to me.

And of course the Author... After work on Sunday I went straight to the bars to watch football. 6 hours later, I admit I wasn't sober. I texted him for a booty call and he couldn't because he had deadlines to meet. I may have snipped a rude text back... ok i totally did because he sent me an email later that night hoping i wasn't upset but his work is very important to him. I apologized and haven't heard from him all week.

Who will come, who will go? I dunno, but I'll keep you posted.

Taking a break

2009-09-05T22:44:00.003-05:00

Yesterday my horoscope told me to relax and rest in the afternoon/evening... to take a break because life has been overwhelming. Did I listen? of course not.

Yesterday was my day off and the Taste of Colorado was going on. I wanted to go, but of course all my friends or co-workers were working. I should have strolled through the event by myself or just relaxed at home. But of course I posted on craigslist.

I met a hottie and of course have a few men on the back-burner, but today I really started to feel the exhaustion. I am beat. I had to work, then I played in a softball game... and the headache that began earlier in the day got worse.

Blondie wanted to hang out but I canceled on him. I just needed a break. So I popped in some 30 Rock thanks to Netflix and took... a... break.

I am feeling much better, which is good... because tomorrow the German Daddy is taking me out for a nice dinner.

Exhausting

2009-09-02T22:53:00.003-05:00

I started my first inpatient ward rotation last week. I gotta say it's just about as hectic as the intensive care unit. The difference? People really aren't that sick, and I feel like a baby-sitter... a very expensive baby-sitter.

The cases are not fulfilling, and the workload eats up a lot of my time and energy. But then again, so do the myriad of men in my life.

Which is what you're all really dying to know about.

I told the Insomniac that I'd get back to him when my time cleared up... i know i know... I pulled the doctor card. It's just such a fantastic card though!

Blondie came with me to a model casting call. He even walked the runway since they needed men. I'll be kinda upset if he gets the gig and I don't. But we finally had sex and it was sloppy and drunk. I'm sure we'll try again this weekend.

The Author and I have finally settled into an agreeable arrangement. At least emotionally agreeable for me. We have great sex once in a while and we also hang out as great friends. It works.

Did I ever mention the Pornstar? I don't think so... I'll have to give him his own post, assuming he and I ever meet.

Then there's the German Daddy... will he be a sugar daddy? will he become a boyfriend? I have no idea how this one is gonna turn out, but he's hot and blond and very well-off... let's find out if he's well-endowed too.

And that brings me to the title of this post. Doctoring and dating at the same time is exhausting... but I don't think I could function any other way.

Insomniac Advice needed

2009-08-24T19:38:00.001-05:00

So the Insomniac would like to take me out to dinner again.

How do I politely decline?

Any advice on words that have worked for you?

Not welcomed in Miami

2009-08-22T23:32:00.003-05:00

So i hadn't told you guys too much about my internet dating, but I did join a sugar daddy website. I won't hold anything back. It is a fantasy of mine to be a trophy. The problem I have is that most men find my education to be rather intimidating.

I'll never understand why since most men complain that they want a good-looking woman with whom they can discuss almost any topic. Though I think that is simply their fantasy as well.

And how often does the fantasy become a reality?

My guess is next to never.

I met G-miami on the sugar daddy website years ago. We chatted, but nothing ever happened. I cancelled my profile and went on with my studies. Since moving to Denver, I thought it might be fun to try the site again. This year, after all, is MY year to do as I damn well please.

G-miami found me on the site again and emailed. This time we started chatting on the phone and quickly made plans for me to go to Miami to meet him.

I should have known from our phone conversations that we weren't going to work out. He was awkward on the phone and made stupid jokes. I hate it when people crack stupid jokes.

He did look like his picture, but he was really short. He also didn't look as hot as I expected him to. He thought I was hot, better looking than my pics.

He took me out to some nice restaurants. We had pretty good conversation, but all he talked about was my looks and how I'm as driven as his brother... and how he thinks his brother is an a$$hole.

Fabulous.

We slept in separate beds. He never made a move. And by the third morning he asked me if we were friends. I said sure. He said that he thinks it would be better if I left a day early since that was all we would be. And then he told me he had already changed my flight.

I was disappointed that we didn't connect, and the rest of my time with him actually ended up being more torturous as he continued to talk about my beauty and cling to me when he didn't even like to go out to drink and socialize. I ended up feeling like a baby-sitter.

I was so happy to get back to Denver Friday. I went out with Blondie and then had a great day tubing with friends on Saturday.

Sometimes I think I should stick to meeting men at bars since I know they'll click with me just on the drinking/socialization alone. Sometimes I wonder if I should focus on myself and figure out why I do these crazy things I do.

The Insomniac

2009-08-17T22:54:00.003-05:00

Insomniac and I have been out on about 5 dates. He is really good-looking, very respectful and totally knows how to treat a woman. However he's slightly socially-awkward, a bit nervous all the time... and well... an insomniac.

Nonetheless, I enjoyed going out with him. He knows good cuisine and always took me to great restaurants. Granted, we mostly talked about his medical issues but what kind of doctor would I be if I didn't listen to my patients... a radiologist you say?

Well Insomniac and I went out on our fifth date last night and he asked me for a kiss at the end of the date. I thought that was extremely gentlemanly of him, so of course I obliged.

IT WAS THE WORST KISS.

I'm sorry, but he SHOVED his tongue in my mouth. I was so taken aback. I didn't know what to do other than to pull back a bit and force him to go slowly. BUT then he'd shove his tongue in my mouth again!

I quickly ended the torture and thanked him for the date. He asked, "maybe next time we could hang out a lot longer?" And desperate to get away I replied "yeah sure!"... enthusiastically.

I felt kinda gross and decided I would pull the intern card from this day forth. I'm chicken-sh!t about brutal honesty, and would much rather take a nasty email than tell a guy he is the worst kisser in the world... or take the time to teach him. I have better things to do...

like go to Miami tomorrow...

Playing Hookey

2009-08-13T12:12:00.003-05:00

I've never played hookey with a job in my life, mostly because I knew I'd get caught. Sure I've skipped school, but this is different.

I decided to play hooky for a few reasons:

1. I was looking at the work schedule today. There would be three students with me during the morning shift. The morning shift is dead, so I'd mostly be sitting around staring at the clock, begging to see a pateint. With 4 of us sitting around, I'd probably see a max of 2 people in an 8 hour period.

2. I actually add MORE work for the other docs. You see, I'm an intern, which means all of my decisions have to be approved by the chief. The chief has to see all of the patiients anyway. With me and three other students on his/her coat-tails, I would be more of a nuisance than an actual help.

3. I'm not compromising health care in any way by not being there. I'm actually losing out on my own education.... but I'm taking a day for myself.... a much needed day for myself.

I just tried to justify a terrible thing, but I'm fairly certain I'm not going to regret it.

We weren't supposed to sleep together

2009-08-10T01:04:00.002-05:00

So I made a new friend in my building. Let's call him MetroStevo. I met him through craigslist because he was new to the area and looking for new friends. Cool. I love new friends. We met, hung out and kept hanging out as "just friends."

I wanna make it clear that every time we went out, I paid for myself. Like I said in my last post, when I'm just friends with a guy I have no problem paying for myself.

MetroStevo is very good-looking, but I wanted to try and only be hooking up with the Author. Plus I figured all was well when we just hugged at the end of every outing and went back to our respective apartments.

We went to Elways, a steak house, last week. It was a great meal, with great wine, lots of fun... I paid for myself. We proceeded to drink more at the bar and then at another bar in our building. Again lots of fun. We went back up to his place, where I've been before, to watch a movie. All was well, until I was officially wasted... and he was officially wasted.

He pulled me up from my chair and asked me to sit with him on the couch. I think we made out. Actually we must have, because we definitely ended up in his bedroom. I know we had sex, confirmed by the empty condom wrapper in the morning... oh and me being naked.

I don't feel badly about having sex with him. I feel badly that I don't remember it. He has texted since the incident. We will be hanging out again. I'm not sure I want to sleep with him again, but I still want to hang out as friends.

Is this possible?

"your treat?"

2009-08-07T19:58:00.005-05:00

I'd like to hear your thoughts on this:

So I've gone out with a few guys here in Denver who have paid for the first date. I think it's chivalrous and noble... and frankly I expect it because it's the right thing to do. My future sons will know better than to ever let a woman pay.

On a couple of occasions, I have gone out with men who have let me pay for my portion of the meal. That is totally fine. He's automatically been put into the friend category. Do you see my point of view coming across even more now?

I don't mind when I'm friends with a guy to pay my way. I do mind when I'm dating a guy. Until we're official, I believe he should court me.

Now here's my biggest problem and I need you all to tell me if I'm going overboard. Regardless of the relationship status, isn't it tacky/offensive/atrocious for a man to flat out ask a woman "so you're gonna get the next bill right?" or "next one is your treat?"

I don't care what is the underlying reasoning. I know it's valid and correct, but it's just so off-putting.

I put this guy Freddie into the friend category after the first date because I just wasn't attracted to him. We hung out a couple times after that date as friends; grilling steaks, playing Wii, hanging out with his friends and family.

This week has been busy and he told me to let him know when I was free next. So I told him I'm free next week, let's grab pizza. And he said "sure... your treat?"

Now last time we hung out, we grilled. He bought the meat, but I offered to take him out for ice cream. I know there's a big price difference, but I can't get over this.

A man should NEVER ask a woman to pay. If she offers and he allows it, that's one thing. But seriously?

I'm really angered by this and I just don't wanna see Freddie ever again. Am I in the wrong? Does anyone else get me?

I can tell you for sure that my father thinks I'm correct.

Your thoughts?

"No... I want you to stay"

2009-08-01T14:31:00.003-05:00

And the confusion with the Author continues. I haven't seen him in almost 2 weeks. We'd make and break plans within minutes. Finally last night, we committed to hanging out. We went to see the movie Public Enemies, and I absolutely LOVED it.

Before I get to the rest of my night with Author, I gotta talk about this movie. First of all I love time period films, and this one was set in the 1930s. The clothes, the cars, the story was just wonderful. I think what captivated me the most was John and Billie's love. I couldn't believe his devotion and love for her. It was terribly romantic, and I hope that one day someone loves me like that. (Actually RedSox back in Boston does...) And I hope I can reciprocate.

The movie was almost 2.5 hours. We got outta the theater around 10:30 and headed back to the Author's apartment. We hung out for about an hour just playing with the dog and talking to his roommate, and then of course made our way to his bedroom.

Two weeks ago when we spent the entire day together and finished off with sex, Author told me he was uncomfortable having me stay over. It hurt, but I forced myself to think in the direction of friends with benefits.

Last night, after sex, he got up to take his dog out to potty. I got up and got dressed. When he came back, he looked shocked to see me dressed and asked why I was leaving. Uh... hello? So I reminded him of what happened last time and he claimed that he wasn't uncomfortable, but he has a hard time getting a good nights sleep with someone else in his bed. So I offered to leave again, and he embraced me and fell back onto the bed saying "No... I want you to stay."

So I stayed. We didn't cuddle much because I know he needs his space, and I was ok with that. We woke up together over a period of 3 hours and parted ways to get going with our days. He wanted to know my plans for the day, and to figure out when to hang out next. I said we'd be in touch.

And I'm right back in the thick of confusion.

Free Rockies.

2009-07-28T15:35:00.005-05:00

One of my friends told me I am the Queen of the Free. Basically, if I can get something for free, I will. Some of my other friends call me a hustler.

Some of it is just down right luck... being in the right place at the right time.

At the moment I have a lot of time too as I'm DONE with the intensive care unit. Thank. You. God.

So naturally I went out on a craigslist date on Friday with a cute blondie who happens to be my age. I'm not sure why suddenly most of the men I'm dating are not at least 5 years older than I am. No matter.

Blondie and I went out for drinks in the lower downtown area of Denver. We kept getting closer and closer to Rockies Stadium as we bar hopped, then finally decided to just go to the game. We were standing in line at the ticket booth when a security guy comes over.

He asked us if were interested in tickets. We said sure. Then he handed us two tickets, saying "I'm allowed to give away 2 tix to every game, so I find good-looking people to give them to."

I'd like to give a big shout out to God one more time for blessing me with good looks, a kickass body and amazing hair.

We went into the game for FREE and sat 3 rows from the field in left field. A great date... except the Rockies lost.

The Author is just not that into me... I think

2009-07-23T23:06:00.005-05:00

I think my last outburst stemmed from me inability to figure out the Author. We have great sex. The kissing is awesome.

BUT

He's only affectionate post-coitus. He won't text/call to say hi. Business is clearly more important.

MAYBE

it's my fault for breaking my age gap interest. I should probably heed to my own advice: dating older is better. The Author is my age... in fact, 6 months younger. I always have griped in the past about guys in their 20s only caring about money. Why suddenly did I think things would be different?

Probably because the Author is actually mature. Ugh... i hate that. Mature yet money-driven. AND YET... still invites me to do things like go on a boat, go to the movies, hang out... only to cancel last minute because he's gotta finish an article or something.

That's probably why I slept with Prosthesis last night. I was hoping maybe we could push forward. He is blond, hot, a former hockey player, older... I had high hopes.

But his pen!s is small. Terrible I know... and I was shocked to bits. Man was I dissapointed.

What is going on???

Can I handle this anymore?

2009-07-21T23:12:00.002-05:00

Or should I even bother is probably the better question.

It's no secret that I LOVE men... plural.

But the holy trinity thing just hasn't been working out as well as it used to. PitaChips Le Deux broke it off with me a couple days ago. His on/off woman was back on and he really wanted to pursue something with her. Kinda sucks because he was my favorite blond.

The Author and I spent the entire day together on Sunday chillin in his apartment. Sometimes I felt he was distancing himself, other times he would get really close. I can't tell if he's just not that into me or what.

Prosthesis is superbusy, but I ran into him last night on my walk back from dinner. He's a cutie but I'm not sure I'm that into him.

I'm kinda at the crossroads, where I wonder what the heck I'm doing. I have a lot going on with medicine. I'm modeling next week for a benefit. My shopping blog is kinda starting to take off. These should all be great things.

But I can't get rid of my need to have multiple men in my life. I like that they're always there. The beauty of having 3 was that I wouldn't have to overwhelm just one with my desire to hang out often. But that's rarely been my problem since they've always wanted to hang out with me. I wonder if it's something about Denver, but I get the same compliments from men with less attention.

This will probably all pass, but I just wonder if I'm regressing or just refusing to try to be an adult.

Giveaway at RoxyShops

2009-07-19T15:37:00.002-05:00

I feel like plugging myself.

I'm hosting a giveaway on my shopping blog, Roxy Shops.

Head on over and enter!

Click on any of the links above or the blogroll.

The Missing Tampon

2009-07-17T19:56:00.003-05:00

Last night Prosthesis and I went to a bbq at one of my co-workers house. We were having a great time when it was time to go before I got drunk in front of the other doctors. On our way back we stopped at the british pub, looking for a brawl.

That didn't happen, but heavy drinking ensued. And then I sort of blacked out. I don't remember Prosthesis dropping me off or anything, but I do have this flash of yelling at the Author in the hallway. He texted me to hang out. I was on the tail end of my period and ready to get laid, but I guess he wasn't feeling well, and I flipped out on him because I wanted to hang.

I don't remember what was said. I just know I woke up this morning to 2 texts from him apologizing for not feeling well and then another one saying he's perked up and still free to hang.

I went to the bathroom to get ready for work. When I went to pull out my tampon, the string wasn't there. I freaked out and reached in... nothing. I didn't notice a tampon in the trash either. The rest of the morning I was so scared that something happened and the tampon is stuck way the hell back in my vaginal vault.

So once I was done rounding on my patients, I ran to the clinic. I grabbed one of my coworkers and asked her to take a look because I didn't want to be a toxic shock patient in the ICU. She went and didn't see a thing.

I've thought about it quite a bit, but I have no idea where that tampon went.

Prosthesis

2009-07-13T00:04:00.005-05:00

I should update you briefly that the Principal is no longer in the picture. After a couple of dates and a terrible kiss, my naughty schoolgirl porn fantasies died.

On to Prosthesis, so named because he lost him arm in a fireworks accident. I didn't notice right away. He was the one to actual point it out to me while we were out having drinks. It's impressive. It looks pretty real, has a battery so he can sorta move it and almost perfectly matches his skin tone.

And aside from the fake arm, he is HOT, BLOND, tall, fit and only lives a block away. AND AND... he played hockey in high school and college. I KNOW!!!!!

I don't think we will develop into anything more than FWBs though... if even that since he was sort of dating a girl in my building. I'm not gonna rule it out, but I'm not going to push it either.

We did have a lot of fun on Saturday night. I was supposed to meet a friend of mine for drinks, but he had to cancel again for family stuff. I really really really wanted to go out for some wine. Everyone was either working, out of town or just not in the mood. So naturally I resorted to craigslist, and Prosthesis responded.

We met up right outside my building and went to a wine bar. We had great conversation and started bar hopping. I want to say we went to 4 or 5 places heading back in the direction of our street. I had a blast with him and he paid for all my drinks.

We've made plans to go to Red Rocks for their summer movie series, Office Space.... and Prosthesis found an old printer we can smash with bats in the parking lot.

Damn it feels good to be a gansta.

Dating, Friends or both?

2009-07-08T16:37:00.003-05:00

PitaChips le Deux had to cancel our date. He was going on vacation with his brothers for almost 2 weeks and some legal document problem came up with the business he's starting. He had to take care of it before he left.

That was too bad, but it was good to get a good night's sleep since I had 24 hour call the next day. Call was a killer. I think we got slammed with 7 patients and several procedures to do at the same time. It was nuts!

So when it was finally over on the 4th of July, I was happy to go home and sleep. I woke up and texted the Author to see what he was up to. He invited me to grill with his roommate for the afternoon. That turned into a huge party as other neighbors were out there grilling too. We made new friends with everyone.

Author and I snuck away for a bit to hook up. He pounded me into his bed and then jumped up to go to another party. I felt a bit used... but figured we were just gonna end up as each other's booty call.

I had to work on the 5th, but it was only a half-day. I came home and saw that Author had texted me to see how my day went. I was kinda surprised, but texted back. He then joined me for the day at a local arts festival and then took me out to dinner.

We went out last night and I slept over, but I'm still not sure what is up. We love the same music. We have great sex. He witnessed me having a nightmare last night. (It involved water creatures, so I'm officially never going in any body of water that is not a jacuzzi/pool again). I think we enjoy each other's company.

But I also know we're both not good at commitment. Or maybe I'm just not. I am dating a couple other guys after all.

Melrose Place

2009-07-02T15:43:00.004-05:00

One the guys who responded to my first craigslist ad formerly lived in my building. He was telling me about the friends he had made, particularly that a lot of them would end up hooking up with each other. He said our building has been known to be a bit like Melrose Place.

At our building bbq a few weeks ago, I made friends with a few people in our building. One in particular was the Author. I could tell the Author instantly liked me. I thought he was a cutie, but I wasn't particularly fond of his beard. He invited me to go boating the next day, and when he took of his glasses to get in the water I thought he got cuter.

We hadn't had a chance to hang out in a while because residency is killing my life. But yesterday he was back from a trip and we decided to have some wine. From there, we went to the pool. From the pool we snuck our drinks into his gym so we could use the jacuzzi.

The alcohol really started to hit, especially when we went into the steam room. And that's where he was suddenly on top of me. I couldn't breathe in there, so we took it back to his apartment... one floor below mine.

Clothes came off. We had sex. I don't remember much of it. All I remember is my phone started ringing, and it was the Murse telling me he was outside my building for our date!

I SWEAR I didn't forget. I just hadn't realized that the time flew. I apologized to the Author, and booked it to my apartment to change. The Murse never suspected a thing... and he slept over that night. hehe.

What am I doing you wonder? I have no idea, but it sure is fun.

And I have my third date with PitaChips le Deux tonight. ;)

Til Death do Us Part

2009-06-29T19:30:00.004-05:00

Saturday call was turning out to be great. I was barely getting paged. We only had one admission. Things were looking good.

At around 10pm, we got the call for a transfer. Apparently this guy was supposed to go home the next day, but he started having difficulty breathing and coughing up blood. A chest x-ray showed a complete white-out of the left lung. Basically it was filled with blood.

We calmly told him we were going to take him to the ICU. We were also going to insert a breathing tube into his good lung to help him out. We called a surgical team to alert them that he might need to have a blood vessel tied to stop the bleeding.

Things were going well until the next morning, when he coded in his room. The nurse jumped on him to start CPR. My resident started throwing out orders. We gave him meds, continued CPR... did everything we could. His wife ran in and held onto me. We finally got his heart to beat, but it would only beat with help from machines.

The rest of the family arrived along with a priest. The final decision was made to take him off the machine. I was doing well until the wife looked at me. Then I teared up. I couldn't imagine what they were going through. "He was supposed to go home today" was all they could say.

They all left, heads down. I stayed to document the events. The other doctors were visibly upset too, but sadly this is the reality of the ICU... it's the reality of medicine. I'd say I handled it pretty well... but I'm very thankful that I will only have to deal with it for a year.

In radiology I interact with images.

It happens in Threes

2009-06-26T17:04:00.002-05:00

First Ed McMahon died and ruined my dreams of hearing my doorbell ring only to see him standing there with my publisher's clearing house check. Then Farrah Fawcet dies days within days of getting engaged. Finally Michael Jackson expires, leaving a legendary array of music that will forever be on my Ipod playlist.

Other things that happens in threes involve my dating life. I fondly refer to the 3 men I date as my holy trinity. I've written about a few in the past.

So I told you about the Murse... but I have yet to update you on the Principal and PitaChips le Deux.